CAROLYN'S COMPOSITIONS

December 10, 2008

SANTA IS DEAD!


COCHRAN’S SHENANIGANS

SANTA IS DEAD!

     SANTA IS DEAD! (or he will be if he doesn’t give up his idiotic planned travel on Christmas eve).
     OK, all you gullible people out there, it’s time to write your annual letter to Santa Claus.
     But do you really believe Santa Claus really exists? It’s a cadgy idea, but how do you think Santa accomplishes his

 tasks of visiting all the children in the world, much less easing down chimneys with his round, jelly-belly?
     Writers for the National Association of Scholars’ calculations add the bah-humbug to the secular custom of Santa, proving to Virginia that there is no Santa Claus.

~~~~~~

SANTAS CLAUS’S WANTED—also MRS. SANTA CLAUS’S, ELVES AND REINDEER—IMMEDIATELY!!!—applications being accepted, from around the world, for the 2008 Christmas season. Please submit your resume’ immediately to: beaneryblog@yahoo.com (with the words SANTA  APPLICATION, MRS. CLAUS APPLICATION, ELF APPLICATION or DEER APPLICATION  in the subject line!

~~~~~~
     To begin with, not EVERY child in the world expects a visit. Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, Buddist make up 85% of the world’s children (humans under eighteen years old). Increase that percentage by eliminating adult children and believers who are impoverished.
     The quoted 15% of the world’s children live in 91.8 million homes averaging three and a half children per household (a half a child would be a funny site to see, but with humans anything is possible).
     Now for the real proof Santa doesn’t exist.
     To fulfill his mythological story, he visits 822.6 homes per second, allowing a mere 1/1000th of a second between entry and exit. He travels at three thousand times the speed of sound—650 miles per second with a heavy load—two pounds of gifts per child (totaling 321,300 pounds) and 32,130 tons of reindeer!
     “Trouble is, air resistance from 353,430 tons traveling 650 miles per second generates terrific heat so the two lead reindeer…each absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second. They instantly burst into flame, as do the two behind them, and then the next two, and so on. Santa runs through 214,200 reindeer in 4.26 thousandths of a second.
     “He is disoriented by deafening sonic booms and by experiencing centrifugal forces 17,500 times the force of gravity. Even if he weighs only 250 pounds, he is slammed into the back of his sleigh with 4,315,015 pounds of force.
     “The NAS concludes that Santa is dead, but cannot explain who put the lump of coal in its stocking.” With God, anything is possible. Either Santa lives, or God’s elves put the coal in the NAS stocking.
      Why don’t people know that the very word “Christmas” means “Christ’s mass,” not “Santa’s sleigh?” How does Santa survive his collision with Christmas? Virginia, do you really believe the guff that there is a Santa Claus?
     Intelligent (?) humans are expected to believe the Santa myth but are considered fools for believing the Biblical tale of Christ. Well, isn’t that special? Duh!!!
     And this is the way I conceive it, I’m a cantankerous and crazy cockroach who will write more later (I’m off to write my Christmas gift requests to send to Santa—but what could someone of my ilk want for Christmas?),
     but Doodleoot for now. Cochran
NOTE: References are from a George Will column printed in the Greensburg Tribune-Review December 25, 1997.

ADDITIONAL READING:

SANTAS, MRS. SANTAS, ELVES & REINDEER WANTED: Please apply—Application #1

Dear SANTA from COCHRAN

(SANTA) SUED FOR NON-SUPPORT

HI! I’M COCHRAN! NICE TO MEET Y’ALL!

DEAR A’NONNIEMOUSE FROM COCHRAN (COCKROACH)

ARCHIE & MEHITIBLE

 

VOICES OF WILDERNESS: PEACE MEETING

COLORING OUR CHILDREN

KEEPING PEACE IN SOUTH AFRICA Part 2

WATCHING CORN GROW

HAIR UNAWARE

ON THE EVE OF 27

PLEASE GIVE THAT MAN A QUARTER!

SOCKATORY

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