April 7, 2009

The Cycle of Abuse in Domestic Violence

CAROLYN’S COMPOSITIONS

THE CYCLE OF ABUSE

April is National Child Abuse Prevention Month. (to view photo click on: http://www.flickr.com/photos/carolyncholland/3412621389/). I will be continuing my posts on child abuse and domestic violence throughout the month. Please be there for children whom you suspect are being abused. Sometimes, all you can do is hold out a loving hand and pray for them.
This post is part of a continuing series about child abuse and parenting. At the end of this article are links to the other posts on this subject. If the links do not work, go to www.carolyncholland.wordpress.com , click on the folder CHILD ABUSE, and scroll down the posts to find answers to your questions.

     Abusive relationships usually involve a pattern of behavior. Since abuse is often directed against women, it will be referred to that way: however, women also abuse men.
     After a battering incident a honeymoon stage occurs, often including apologies, gift giving, promises, and loving behavior. This is the man whom the woman loves. This stage is what gives her hope, what keeps her in the relationship. However, this “honeymoon” is an opportunity for the perpetrator of abuse to maintain control of his victim by using kindness.” This, “kindness” is not “kind.” It is a tool of manipulation.
     Gradually, the stresses and frustrations create a build-up emotion of anger in the abuser. The wife describes herself as increasingly “walking on eggshells.” This period is relieved when the battering incident occurs.
     The time between batterings may be lengthy at first, but it gradually decreases. Over time, the abuse incidents grow closer together. The initial batterings may be less serious, but gradually become harsher. And they become predictable. As the tension builds, the woman may wish that the expected abuse incident would occur, just to get it over with. Sometimes, they even instigate the battering as a means of “getting it over with.” It not only clears the air, but it gives her some control in her life.
     The event triggering the abuse is not usually the real cause of the battering. The cause is the batterer’s underlying anger, which explodes irrationally. The woman cannot stop the outburst, and becomes “confused” over its reason. Alcohol, often blamed for the battering, is only an excuse.
     The victim isn’t the cause of the abuse. The cause is the inability of the abuser to vent normal anger in an appropriate manner and his need to control his “property”—the woman.

Cycle of Violence

Incident
· Any type of abuse occurs (physical/sexual/emotional)
Tension Building
· Abuser starts to get angry
· Abuse may begin
· There is a breakdown of communication
· Victim feels the need to keep the abuser calm
· Tension becomes too much
· Victim feels like they are ‘walking on egg shells’
Making-Up
· Abuser may apologize for abuse
· Abuser may promise it will never happen again
· Abuser may blame the victim for causing the abuse
· Abuser may deny abuse took place or say it was not as bad as the victim claims
Calm
· Abuser acts like the abuse never happened
· Physical abuse may not be taking place
· Promises made during ‘making-up’ may be met
· Victim may hope that the abuse is over
· Abuser may give gifts to victim

The cycle can happen hundreds of times in an abusive relationship. Each stage lasts a different amount of time in a relationship. The total cycle can take anywhere from a few hours to a year or more to complete.

It is important to remember that not all domestic violence relationships fit the cycle. Often, as time goes on, the ‘making-up’ and ‘calm’ stages disappear.

Adapted from the original concept of: Walker, Lenore. The Battered Woman. New York: Harper and Row, 1979. Source: http://www.domesticviolence.org/cycle-of-violence/

ADDITIONAL READING: